I’m tired.

I’m feeling pessimistic about my therapy coming up. This whole weekend I’ve been so tired. Starting Thursday night it was non-stop fatigue. I went for a toy clean in the evening for Oliver’s playgroup, hobbled around, socialized with actual adults, and then I came home to an exhausted Neil. Actually, he drove & picked me up so he had dinner for me when we got back. I love him.

Friday we actually had playgroup, and after subtly trying to trick Oliver into not going we biked there. He loves playgroup, I want him to love it, but I was tired. I don’t get it though, because I had I slept okay that night, I was active in the morning when we biked, and I hadn’t done anything crazy energy-draining. On the way there I was struggling on my bike. I was in second gear basically the whole way and I was knackered. My legs were not compliant, my tires were low, and I didn’t have it in me to take the time to pump them up. That one ride makes me feel like I’m regressing.

Saturday I just did a bit of work, showered, made cookies, then I melted into the couch. Today all we did was go to the dollar store. Sure I woke up and made breakfast – Sunday is the one day I do it instead of Neil – so why do I feel like I’ve climbed a mountain?

When did I become the type of person who does one task and then says “WOO I’M SPENT!” This sucks.

How am I going to survive my long days of physio when I’m so tired from simple things like going to the dollar store or to the library? I have my first day this Wednesday. They broke the assessment into two days and I’m happy for that.

I’m already worried about the drives to and from physio. I get really nauseous in the car as a passenger. It’s horrible. Sometimes I think I’m like a dog who knows it’s going to the vet: freaking out in the passenger seat, panting and shivering. I have these things called sea-bands that I wear when I’m in the car to avoid feeling chundy, but they don’t work really. It’s like nausea, but not quite in the way that I’m immediately going to puke, but more like someone has placed my head in one of those paint-shaking machines. Then Neil stops short or takes a turn too fast and I feel like I’m going to pass out, my head is spinning, and like puke is coming. I haven’t actually thrown up, except once after I had surgery so I was already down. What if I’m all nauseous when I get there?! What if I end up getting sick on my therapist!

Oh, I started working. It’s minimal and actually amazing. My best friend’s mother-in-law offered me the opportunity to work from home as an early learning coordinator. I really like it because it’s still doing stuff within the realm of early education but it’s not as demanding as being in the classroom. Maybe that’s selfishly hogging all of my positivity?

Why can’t I do all of the things. I’m having a really hard time getting my thoughts down right now. This post is reflective of my brain lately: scattered, unfinished, and too tired to bother explaining.