I had a feeling that my 4-week assessment was going to be disappointing and that probably set the tone for the day. I woke up fine, my leg was being it’s usual stubborn and reluctant to work self but I was fine.
During breakfast Oliver sweetly said “I hope grandpa gets better.” It made me SO sad. He thought he was just away and he had known that he wasn’t well for November. He’s so cute and I had to explain to him again that grandpa wasn’t coming back because he had been sick and his body stopped working. He’s so much like his dad because I can see when he is processing things (as much as a 3 going on 4 year old can). He just stopped talking and did his regular self soothing (thumb in mouth & hand rubbing the tag at the back of his pants) then he changed the subject (because attention span is brief for a 3/4 year old). But it was heartbreaking and I couldn’t get it out of my head.
When I got to physio I was sad, but mainly because I knew that I would be disappointed in my body’s performance. My physiotherapist could tell I was sad at different points during my assessment. I set expectations for myself unrealistically high because apparently I’m a fan of being let down. It’s hard being let down by myself. My mind wants to go back to the way things were so badly but my body just can’t. I didn’t have huge changes today but i should be grateful that I have any changes I guess. It’s only been 4 weeks and my balance has improved. I can close my eyes in the shower and not feel like I’m going to fall over. I can get up from the toilet without bracing the counter and towel bar. I can crawl now. I had thought I put that as a goal because I couldn’t crawl on the floor with Oliver. I would topple because my balance was poor or I would just fall flat because my leg wouldn’t go. I can actually drive my knee forward now and I couldn’t before. My hands are actually warmer (sometimes but not in this moment). I can get into bed easier because my leg is kind to me and lifts up. It’s like it knows I’m knackered and don’t need push back. For a couple of days my hamstring muscles on my right leg were sore and it was the greatest thing. I actually have muscle there that can get sore and it’s doing work!
I’m really hard on myself so it’s difficult for me to see changes because I expect huge things instead of slight improvement. Realistic change is underwhelming.
The videos on the left are from November 24 before I started anything. I decided to wear slippers for some reason. The videos on the right are from yesterday (December 21).