Garbage

I’m feeling extreme guilt. I haven’t been able or had the energy to properly do my PoNS since Christmas Eve. I took Christmas Day off because I can take one day a week. Boxing Day I did my morning & afternoon stuff, but didn’t have energy for my electrical stimulation bit and I fell asleep at some point during my breathing awareness training (BAT). Today I’m 98% sure I have a bladder infection, and I think it was beginning to fester the day before. I can tell because I spent the night waking up to pee every 30-40 minutes. Then I spent my day walking, or staggering around my house like I do when I’ve been drinking. I swear I hadn’t until after Oliver was asleep and the stagger started when I woke up. I like eggnog and it’s the holidays.

It began on Boxing Day when I fell straight back onto my bottom/lower back. Neil jumped out of bed and peeled me off the floor. Oliver and I were having breakfast in his room so Neil could sleep in, and I fell backwards into the hallway. My body could have at least let me fall into Oliver’s reading corner or onto his new couch, but noooo it said “I like the look of that hardwood out there!” It’s the first I’ve fallen since starting my physio at the end of November! Normally I eat it more often. Somehow that day I did my PoNS, but I don’t want to today because my legs feel like Bambi’s and as if my bones are glass. Why would I encourage my brain to think this level of functioning is awesome? It’s the opposite. I feel guilty but I’m more angry at this infection. It better be an infection or I’ll be livid that this is normal now. I had vertigo for a little in the afternoon, and all of this is typical for me with infection.

I’m MAD. I should be doing stuff, or should have a few hours ago, but instead I’m thinking up ways to rearrange Oliver’s bedroom that he doesn’t sleep in.