My physiotherapist told me that I would get sick of PoNS when I was asking when to book my maintenance program a while ago. I thought I would want to do it right after but she knew I’d be able tired. She’s right. I’M TIRED OF IT.
I’m ready to be done but at the same time I don’t want it to be over. I like going to my appointments and doing things for my body. The fact that I’m going to see a physiotherapist gives me encouragement to get up and hold myself accountable for laziness. Maybe that’s not the right attitude, because after all I’m only doing this to improve my life. Why do I always feel the need to please others with my performance? As if physiotherapy is like a math test, and my passing grade would make someone proud of me. I am rubbish at math (beyond grade 3) so maybe I like that I’ve actually had successful gains with physio.
Oliver has been growing and making huge strides experience wise. It’s draining on him but it’s the best. He went to the dentist for the first time (long overdue) and had his teeth cleaned. The dentist said he needed to stop sucking his thumb because it’s already caused a lot of damage; I knew it would but it helped him comfort himself. That day he stopped. He hasn’t tried to sneakily do it, and he shakes his head when he realizes he’s about to do it; like he’s reminding himself not to. I’ve never seen that amount of self-restraint in a 3 year old.
He also wanted to try a dance class. I was all for it because he loves dancing so much and the fact that he was up to try is huge. I reminded him that I wouldn’t be there, brought him, he spoke to the teacher in front of the others (huge), and didn’t implode when I left. He chose to just sit and observe, and ultimately decided he wasn’t down to go to more, but he WENT. He went back and forth about going again, and the fact that it wasn’t an immediate no seems big? It’s more than I would do if I was in the same position! I remember my mum saying that she put me in ballet when I was little and that I just stood there…I wonder if he and I are similar. Who knows.
He’s growing up and I’m so proud of him but at the same time I’m a puddle of tears. He pees on his own, can get dressed by himself, he can read, and now he doesn’t suck his thumb. I’m crying. He still insists he needs help to do things, doesn’t talk to anyone at preschool, tells his teachers he can’t read, and I’m happy to do things for him forever because he’s my baby. I think all of his growth is weighing on my energy because it’s so much AND IT’S SO SAD but also I’m so happy. Being a parent is so wild. I can’t handle feeling joy/heartbreak/love/sadness/happiness simultaneously. It’s very overwhelming.
Back to PoNS:
I still can’t go up the stairs as well as I’d like, I still need my stick, and I am still tired always. However, stairs have returned to be a job for my legs, I’ve switched my stick to a trekking pole (less support), I don’t need it ALWAYS, and my energy HAS improved despite my complaints. It’s not as high on a scale from 1-10; before I was at a pretty steady 7-8, and now I’m normally around 4-5. That doesn’t seem that huge but it’s a difference of me wanting to be asleep always to now needing a rest after a bit. I can drive again, my balance has improved, and my knee bends more. Mental fatigue gets me more lately than physical.
My final appointment is next week. Hopefully there’s some change from my 8 week assessment. If today was a measure for ability/energy I’ll be ok with that. This morning I went for an appointment at @thesweetestthing (I appreciate hairlessness AND I am no longer able to shave my own underarms). I DROVE myself and I didn’t even need my stick to get there from the parkade. It was nuts. Then I went to the registry and stopped on the way home to get wiper fluid. By that time I did need my stick, but previously multiple tasks a day was unheard of. I had an appointment for a Covid shot (4th because I have a baby immune system) and I nearly suffocated my mum and child in the car because I took days. I’M NOT EVEN FINISHED. We drove to Inglewood and went to a plant shop! We saw puppies (Oliver did not enjoy) he picked out a snake plant & pot, then my mum and I proceeded to buy everything. Just me actually; I’m an impulsive shopper.
I did so many things, and I still had energy to do PoNS when I got home.
I’m now feeling the regular side effects from my vaccine and am anticipating being totally drained tomorrow. I really hope I’m not because I enjoyed being normal-ish today, and tomorrow I’m taking Oliver to LRRH so I refuse to be in a bad state. We’ll see.