Cute is not something I ever get to look these days. On Thursday I wanted to take Oliver with me to the grocery store and that’s a huge event for me now. Neil went to go pick him up from preschool I had about 20 minutes to put my shoes on and get ready. I had energy… HAD energy. I spent 20 minutes fighting with my boots trying to decide which ones to wear. Because I wanted to look cute. Who do I need to look cute for? Yet, I spent 20 minutes fighting with my boots?! I bought them to accommodate my AFO, but I can’t wear them for longer than maybe 20? 30? minutes because my foot gets cold. It cold to begin with because the blood is not circulating normally, then it starts to hurt, then it goes numb. So, energy was used taking the insole out of a different boot to put it over top of my AFO so my foot doesn’t get cold, but I find out it’s too tight in that pair. When my shoes are too tight my foot gets more cold, and turns purple/blue/red. After using up many of my allotted spoons, my choices are wear ugly shoes that I can actually feel my foot in (kind of) or try to wear cute shoes and last 5 minutes. Looking cute is not a choice I get anymore and I STILL haven’t come to terms with that.
After my morning/afternoon struggle, I continued to feel like my bones are made of glass after we were home. I already feel like I’m regressing since stopping physio and it’s only been a week. I did a balance exercise in the morning, missed doing gait, and had zero energy left. Little energy in the evening means my motivation for doing electrical stim is low. I’m not sure what’s going on but I think I’m underwhelmed by how much I have changed since doing all of this. My attitude is not helping, but I am having a hard time. I’m digging myself into a hole I know.
As I was writing this Oliver came to the top of the stairs asking me to come lay with him. Neil was already there but he said he wanted “three people in bed because I’ll be scared.” Yes, he sleeps in our bed, and we lay with him to fall asleep (Neil falls asleep too). We do everything we would NEVER have done when he was in his crib. We gave in to every negative sleep association, and one day I’ll implode because he won’t want to sleep with us. But hey, it was 6:30pm and sometimes he requests to go to bed at 4:30pm.
Anyways, I was close to tears thinking about my physical self when I opened my eyes and saw his face. He was asleep hugging this pink stuffed bunny from our superstore trip and he just looked so cute. I love him so much. Even when he’s crying because he wants a quality street, or crisps, or he wanted to watch dad drive awayor because he wanted to flush his poo down the toilet seconds after telling me or Neil to do it. Everything went away because I just looked at him.