Sad sack

Add to the list of things I can’t do:

  • Pools; especially wave pools as I almost drowned 👌🏻
  • Hot tubs
  • Going literally anywhere that means I have to walk more that 15-20 minutes.

    I can’t do these things because:
  • Fatigue
  • I can’t keep up & hurts my fragile feelings being left behind/abandoned
  • I become overstimulated mentally and it exhausts me as a result
  • I’m too weak

We went swimming today and it scared the shit out of me because I’ve never been so close to death. That’s overly dramatic ok, I wasn’t close to death but I was close to being pulled under and having to be saved by a lifeguard. I couldn’t hold myself steady in the KNEE DEEP water. The waves pushed me over like assholes and I flew into a guy and his young kid. I was embarrassed. They asked me if I was okay and honestly I wasn’t. I laughed it off and said “yeah, just almost drowning.” Before the collision I was about to yell for help in between gasps for air and coughing on water. Really? I was in the part of the pool where small kids go! I walked in before the whole ordeal the water was about thigh deep in parts.

Gone are the days I could take Oliver swimming, or anywhere by myself.

This is a part of MS I did NOT expect. The realization that a breeze, or in this case knee deep water & waves would make me feel like a rag doll.

In university my friend Christina and I went to the gym before class. She is strong and bangin’, I wanted to be fit, have nice arms like hers, and wanted the coveted thigh gap. Now I do have the stupid thigh gap, except I don’t enjoy it in the same regard as it’s a sign of muscle atrophy. It sucks to be moaning about becoming Skeletor, but the thing is Skeletor is ripped and I am the opposite. I am feeble.

Skeletor is JACKED


I’ve asked Neil for some ideas for strength training exercises and he’s given me some. The trouble I’m having is finding different modifications for my reluctant body to participate. My arms (noodles), legs, and core need help. I can’t lift Oliver out of/into a shopping cart. I struggle to get him in/out of his car seat, and he’s less than 40lbs.

I hate fucking everything about how I’ve physically become.

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